There I was in my local library and out of the corner of my eye I spied, beckoning from the shelf, Eats, Shites & Leaves – Crap English and How to Use It.


I had only just finished Eats, Shoot & Leaves – A Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation, (which I’d written a post on) so this title grabbed me like an over-punctuated zombie threatening to interrobang me!

I chuckled at the obvious play on the Eats,
Shoot & Leaves
title. But not being 100% sure in this world of so many uncertainties, I couldn’t resist checking the publication dates of both volumes.


Published a year later, Eats, Shites & Leaves is a light-hearted book written by one A. Parody. It contains lists upon lists of humorous material on the language.

There’s a section of contemporary proverbs like:

A fool and his money are soon partying
Behind every successful man there’s a woman telling him he isn’t so great
A woman’s work is never done by a man
All men are born free except at the private maternity hospital

There’s a section on symbols:

:)))) very very happy
:-X one’s lips are sealed
:’-( crying
%-) drunk
:-(~~~ vomiting

A list of spoonerism:

butterfly flutterby
lunatic tuna lick
take a shower shake a tower

My favourite parts are the sections entitled “The Complete Rules of Good Writing”. Here the author advises us blossoming writers on the following:

A writer must not shift your point of view
Always avoid annoying alliteration
Always finish what you star
Be more-or-less specific
Do not use, unnecessary, commas
Do not use a foreign word when there is an adequate English quid pro quo
Don’t repeat yourself and avoid being repetitive
Don’t be redundant; don’t use more words that necessary; it’s highly superfluous

I could go on and on and also further discuss this, but I promised my wife I’ll cook a curry tonight which is after the sun has set with the left over roast lamb which I had previously roasted.