Crap English…

There I was in my local library and out of the corner of my eye I spied, beckoning from the shelf, Eats, Shites & Leaves – Crap English and How to Use It.

I had only just finished Eats, Shoot & Leaves – A Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation, (which I’d written a post on) so this title grabbed me like an over-punctuated zombie threatening to interrobang me!

I chuckled at the obvious play on the Eats,
Shoot & Leaves title. But not being 100% sure in this world of so many uncertainties, I couldn’t resist checking the publication dates of both volumes.

Published a year later, Eats, Shites & Leaves is a light-hearted book written by one A. Parody. It contains lists upon lists of humorous material on the language.

There’s a section of contemporary proverbs like:

A fool and his money are soon partying
Behind every successful man there’s a woman telling him he isn’t so great
A woman’s work is never done by a man
All men are born free except at the private maternity hospital

There’s a section on symbols:

))) very very happy
:-X one’s lips are sealed
:’-( crying
%-) drunk
~~~ vomiting

A list of spoonerism:

butterfly flutterby
lunatic tuna lick
take a shower shake a tower

My favourite parts are the sections entitled “The Complete Rules of Good Writing”. Here the author advises us blossoming writers on the following:

A writer must not shift your point of view
Always avoid annoying alliteration
Always finish what you star
Be more-or-less specific
Do not use, unnecessary, commas
Do not use a foreign word when there is an adequate English quid pro quo
Don’t repeat yourself and avoid being repetitive
Don’t be redundant; don’t use more words that necessary; it’s highly superfluous

I could go on and on and also further discuss this, but I promised my wife I’ll cook a curry tonight which is after the sun has set with the left over roast lamb which I had previously roasted.

Easter Break

I had my family visiting me over the Easter break. In Tasmania, there’s Easter Friday, Easter Monday and Easter Tuesday – and, unlike other parts of Australia, they’re all public holidays here. So it’s a good long break. The kids have the entire week off.

My father and brother, together with wife and kids, flew in from Malaysia on Friday. There was a 4 hour wait in Melbourne to catch the connection to Hobart. For my dad, who is in his eighties, it was his first time here.

Being Malaysians, lot of the focus was on eating:

Saturday: Fish and chips lunch at Mures Upper Deck by the Hobart docks where the fishing boats come in. There followed a quick visit to the bustling Salamanca markets which is held every Saturday. Dinner was at my house where I conjured up roast lamb and Ming’s Chinese burgers.

Sunday: Lunch at Peppermint Bay where the kids had a lovely time in the beautiful gardens overlooking the picturesque bay. There was an Easter egg hunt too. Dinner was fine dining at Marque IV at Elizabeth Pier, again by the Hobart docks.

Monday: Lunch was at Home Hill winery in the Huon valley, 30 minutes south of Hobart. This was a huge apple growing region which has had to diversify into cherries and grapes as exports dropped. Next was a boat cruise on the River Derwent which is a deep water harbour. The kids were thrilled. There was a craving for Asian food and so dinner was at Annapurna where yours truly ordered far too many dishes and had to do a doggy bag.

There are a lot of other things we could have done like drive up to the top of Mount Wellington, visit Richmond, drive to Port Arthur, visit more wineries, stroll upon several beaches…but time was short.

I think they all had a good time here. We did too. I’ve put on a few kilos I reckon.

Family visits are fun, interesting…and sometimes challenging too!

You know what I mean?

Punctilious Punctuation

I’m not a great fan of using big words, but I couldn’t resist adding the word ‘Punctilious’ before ‘Punctuation’.

Anyway, this post comes about because my wife gave me a copy of Eats, Shoots & Leaves by Lynne Truss. It’s one of several books, I’m reading at the moment. I’ll have to admit I wasn’t particularly taken with the prospect of reading a book on punctuation, but it’s turned out to be rather funny and quite enlightening.

As I’ve always said about writing: leave spelling, grammar and punctuation to last. Worrying about them will inhibit your creative flow. It’ll jam up your ideas. It’ll stop you from tapping the keyboard – your pen from scribbling.

But punctuation, grammar and spelling become vital when you’re editing; when you’ve getting your work ready for presentation to a publisher.

So why the title: Eats, Shoots & Leaves?

You see, you can either have the sentence: “Eats shoots and leaves” or “Eats, shoots and leaves”. The comma makes all the difference. A Panda may come to visit you and it eats shoots and leaves. That’s fine. No harm done. Just a bit of foliage to clean up. But if it visits you and it eats, shoots and leaves; then I hope you weren’t in the firing line.

Incidentally, I’ve noticed that since reading the book, I’ve been using lots more semi-colons, colons and dashes. This comes from reading a book on punctuation, I suppose.

I’ve also discovered one mistake I’ve been making all these years (I now know I owe Eric, my editor, several apologies).

Which sentence is correct:

Ahmad whispered as he watched TV3, “I can’t believe these rapturous election results”.

Ahmad whispered as he watched TV3, “I can’t believe these rapturous election results.”

Didn’t spot the difference? It’s the full stop. Does it go before of after the 2nd quote marks? I’ve been opting for the 1st whilst the correct one is the 2nd. Alamak!

So how’s your punctuation?

Changes!

No matter which side of the political fence you sit on, you’ll only be too aware that the recent elections in Malaysia have brought changes which have significantly affected the country’s political landscape. For those who thought that what was true yesterday, will be true tomorrow, this would have been a great surprise. Myself included.

So this brings to mind the all-too-famous Bob Dylan lyrics, warning us that the we shouldn’t rely on the status quo:

Come writers and critics
Who prophesize with your pen
And keep your eyes wide
The chance won’t come again
And don’t speak too soon
For the wheel’s still in spin
And there’s no tellin’ who
That it’s namin’.
For the loser now
Will be later to win
For the times they are a-changin’.

Sam Cooke, who took a stand against racial prejudice and was unfortunately shot dead in a cheap motel, may also have thought his song pretty apt as it brought hope to those seeking redress:

There’s been times that I thought
I wouldn’t last for long
But now I think I’m able to carry on
It’s been a long, long time coming
But I know a change is gonna come
Oh, yes it will

Even the Bee Gees, whom I’ve avidly listened to from the age of 6 and since Maurice’s death may never release another album, have profound words on this matter:

Sometime a man breaks down,
and the good thing he is looking for
are crushed into the ground.
Get on up, look around;
can’t you feel the wind of change?
Get on up, taste the air;
can’t you see the wind of change;

And David Bowie, whom ruminates deeply when he isn’t trying to look so cool, puts himself firmly in the shoes of those caught in these winds:

So I turned myself to face me
But Ive never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
I’m much too fast to take that test

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
(turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-changes
Don’t want to be a richer man

So you see, song lyrics, which are often more direct and accessible than poetry, can teach us so much. So let’s hope that those in power, whether at the federal or state level (run by whatever political coalition), or even at the local government level will be keenly aware that things do change.

All You Wannabe Writers

I read an interesting article by Rosemary Neil a few weeks ago. “So true!” I exclaimed when I read this:

“And while the under-25s are often perceived as a generation of reluctant readers more interested in [the reality TV show] Big Brother than in the Orwellian version, unprecedented numbers of them apparently want to be writers.”

She backs this up with this statistic: at the University of Technology (Sydney) last year, there were 278 undergraduates and 205 postgraduates studying creative writing. At the University of Melbourne, 520 students enrolled in two courses in creative writing.

Wow, that’s a lot of writers. And that’s in only 2 universities. We do seem to be churning out a lot of writers. But then here’s the downside: creative writing courses are spreading whilst English literature courses are declining. And many of the big publishers don’t publish as many literary novels as they once did.

This is sad. How I wished I studied English Lit at university. Can you imagine an average Malaysian parent allowing their child to study such a non-vocational subject? “Son, you must either be a doctor, lawyer, accountant or engineer”. Maybe that refrain has changed slightly now to include the MBA and IT degree. But English Literature? Pah!

Yet creative writing is such a different animal from English Lit. Creative writing is a craft. You may never have your book published but there’s your blog, your journal, your silent moments of being yourself, creating something out of nothing. This is centering and brings meaning, even for one fleeting moment. You might never know the difference between James Joyce and Anne Rice, but you’re doing something worthwhile.

But back to English Lit. Perhaps one day I’ll enroll as a mature student (perhaps very mature, by then) and study great literature, stunning writing the captures the essence of life. Until then, I’ve got this blog, my writing and life still goes on…

Would you like to study English Lit?